When I said goodbye to my friends and family in Germany I didn´t cry. Actually I was grinning from cheek to cheek on the last pictures we took at the airport. When I read the entries in my goodbye book I didn´t cry. I laughed at the cute stories and I felt blessed to have these people in my life. On the plane, in the arrival camp and during the first weeks. I didn´t cry. In fact I remember the first time as some kind of dream. I was in a weird state. It didn´t feel like leaving for a year. It felt like going on a vacation. Realising I will not see my family for eleven months, I will not walk through the streets or be in my town for almost a year is something almost impossible. Arriving somewhere new, becoming adapted to all these unknown things, meeting all these new people is something so unreal. All together it feels like I was so filled up with emotions I completely lacked on expressing them. It was a lot, too much to realise.
Everyone warns you about culture shocks. You have a week long pre-departure orientation from YFU where you get prepared for living abroad. Everyone tells you how hard it must be to leave everything behind. And I´m not going to lie. It is hard. But no matter how hard it is, you have a certainty that you will come back. Even though the time - eleven months - sometimes sounds and feels so incredibly long, it goes by so fast. Even though you sometimes wish for nothing but your mum to be there to give you a hug, you always have in mind that sooner or later you will be home again.
Everyone talks about how challenging it is to leave your whole life behind and go on exchange.
But what happens when you have to go back?
When you didn´t apply for an adventure in a different country, when you didn´t spend hours answering questions and e-mails, when you didn´t write first shy messages to strangers that will be your future family, when you didn´t count the days because you want your exchange to start so badly?
What happens when you just have to go? What happens when you have to leave after you just started to feel at home, when you just made friendships deeper than most before, when you just learned to communicate in a new language?
What happens when you don´t have a choice?
They say it is like a second exchange. That it is not the end, it is a new beginning. There will be changes, new things to get used to, reverse culture shock. It might be like a second time going on exchange. But it is something we didn't ask for.
There are all these mainstream exchange student quotes but they aren´t mainstream without a reason.
"You build a life for 16 years and you leave it for 10 months. Then you build a life for a year and you have to leave it forever." The second one is worse. So much worse.
I was sitting in the sun with a friend, listening to music and laughing at some stupid joke. We were laughing so much I almost fell from the bench and suddenly tears came to my eyes. "Why can´t we just stop time for a while?" I said. I was so happy in that moment that it hurt because I knew it wouldn´t be like this for long anymore.
The sooner the end gets the less I want to leave. And the more afraid I am of going home. Of course I am excited to see all the people again. To be somewhere I understand everyone. To know every way, every corner, every shop. But I know that I am only expecting everything to be well-known and easy. But it won`t be. Things changed, there and with me. And going back to the people I love so much also means going back to the people who don`t know my life here. They don`t know what my backyard looked like, how I sneaked out of class earlier to get ice cream with my friends, how I curled up in my bed in the middle of the night missing something I couldn`t even name so much it stole my sleep, how I laughed with a Finn for the first time. They don't know what it feels like to build a home somewhere so far. They don`t know what I leave behind.
Because what I leave behind is not just a country. It is not just a street sign, a landscape and a language. What I leave behind is not just people, is not just a house, not just a school, not just a town.
I thought I wasn`t ready to go on exchange. Now I would give a lot to be as ready to leave as I was 10 months ago.
What I leave behind is an experience. What I leave behind is not a year. It is a life.
And it hurts.
Sonntag, 20. Mai 2018
Donnerstag, 10. Mai 2018
Update
It is the first week of May and with this it is my last whole month in Finland. To be honest it just feels totally shitty. The closer the end of my exchange year comes, the less I want it to end. I don't feel ready to leave. I guess that's normal. It's been a long while since I wrote a blogpost about my general feelings and things in my every day life. So here we go:
Easter
Easter in Finland starts the week before Easter Sunday. Children dress up as witches, called trulls and decorate branches with feathers. Then they go around in the neighbourhood and ring at the door. When you open they ask if they can bless your house. When you agree, they say a short poem and give you a branch in exchange for some Easter sweets.
The Friday and the Monday around the Easter weekend we didn't have school. I spent the weekend with my family. On Friday we went to eat breakfast together and visited the Helsinki zoo, as it was surprisingly good weather. On Saturday one of the things I definitely wanted to do happened and we took the ferry to Tallinn, Estonia. It is only two hours on the boat, so perfect for a day trip from Finland. The town is incredibly beautiful and cute and I would love to visit it again.
A traditional Easter Sunday food is mämmi, a dessert made out of malted rye.
Last jakso
Shortly after Easter my last jakso, last term, in school started. It felt weird to know that I am choosing the subjects for the last time, going to new classes for the last time, introducing myself as the exchange student for the last time. I am really looking forward to German school because I will finally understand everything again and be able to actually work. But at the same time I will miss Finnish school, where everything is pretty relaxed, laptops are part of the normal school day and teachers play music while the students complete the tasks. I wish I could take the best of Finnish school with me and combine it with the best of school in Germany. But that won't be possible so I will just enjoy the last weeks of school here and then try to adapt to the fact that I'm not the exchange student anymore and that I actually have to study.
Vappu
The 1st of May, so called vappu, or the day for worker's and students, is pretty big in Finland. Everyone who already graduated wears the cap they got for their graduation, there are big parties and the common food is munkki, a kind of donuts, and they drink sima, a special lemonade.
In school on Monday we had donuts for dessert and a vappu show, where the teachers played pantomime and won the students in sima pong - the g-rated version of beer pong.
At home we made donuts ourselves and decorated them with all kinds of colors and glitter. Then we prepared dinner and spend the evening with another family playing cards and monopoly. Around eleven my friends picked me up and I stayed with them for awhile. It was really nice to celebrate the 1st of May like that.
Spring time
After a last intense blizzard on Easter Monday and some more days in winter wonderland with sunshine and blue sky the snow finally started to become less instead of more. At some point it was completely gone and as much as I loved it, 5 months have been enough and it is so nice to see green and brown again instead of white, white and white. The ice on the lake, on which we couldn't walk on anymore for weeks already, completely melted and I already dipped in the 4 degree cold water. Now the spring is more rain and grey clouds than sunshine, but we've already had T-shirt weather.
The days get longer and longer. I remeber how excited and surprised everyone was when we opnened the door after my dance class at 19.30 and it was still bright outside - while there was a time it was already dark when I went to my dance class at 17.30 - but now it's still bright when I say good night to my family and already bright when my alarm rings at 6 in the morning. And the summer nights get better everyday with pink and orange sunsets over the lake.
A special visit
Two weeks ago I was standing at the airport - probably the last time before I go there packed with two suitcases and ready (or not) to leave - shaking and jumping up and down because of excitement. My best friend Matilda who is currently on exchange in England and who I hadn't seen for 9 months was about to visit me. It is so weird to think about that a person that has known you for your entire life except that one year where you have built a whole different life will visit you in your new home. But when she came out of the airport arrival doors it was like I hadn't seen her for only a week or two and not almost a year. And it felt so good to introduce her to all these people and show her all the places. When my sister had visited me earlier in my exchange year I still felt a little like a visitor myself. But now I felt like I could show Matilda everything as my home. I could talk about the places, tell stories and find ways without google maps. We had a lovely weekend and it was so wonderful to have her back. Now saying goodbye for two months sounds like nothing. I wish she could have stayed longer but it is good to know that there is a small connection now, between my life in Finland and my life in Germany - someone who has been in my two homes, the two countries that have my heart.
Out of the comfort zone
When you're completely new in an environment, without people you know and things to spend your time with, you will find yourself agreeing on things you wouldn't ever have considered before.
That's why I was part of the school musical in autumn, singing Finnish songs I didn't even understand.
And that's how I ended up in a theater project for young people. Together with 9 other teenagers and one director we performed a theater play about a father-to-be and his struggles.
In Germany I avoided the theater subject in school as good as possible and would have bursted into laughter if anyone would have suggested I should join a play. But now, here, 9 months later, I stood on a stage in the Finnish National Theater and acted a mini-role, talking Finnish in front of an audience. I was actually kinda proud of myself. And it was fun too.
The hardest part
I have at least 3 drafts on my blog writing about what it feels like that this year is coming to an end. I couldn't finish any of them to my satisfaction. There are too many things to say and emotions. But the biggest of all at the moment is the wish to stop time. At least for awhile.
Leaving your life at home sucks, being confused and alone is exhausting and being homesick actually hurts. But for me the hardest part is this. The end. Letting go.
I hope everyone is well and I'm sending lots of love to Germany!
Lona
Easter
Easter in Finland starts the week before Easter Sunday. Children dress up as witches, called trulls and decorate branches with feathers. Then they go around in the neighbourhood and ring at the door. When you open they ask if they can bless your house. When you agree, they say a short poem and give you a branch in exchange for some Easter sweets.
The Friday and the Monday around the Easter weekend we didn't have school. I spent the weekend with my family. On Friday we went to eat breakfast together and visited the Helsinki zoo, as it was surprisingly good weather. On Saturday one of the things I definitely wanted to do happened and we took the ferry to Tallinn, Estonia. It is only two hours on the boat, so perfect for a day trip from Finland. The town is incredibly beautiful and cute and I would love to visit it again.
A traditional Easter Sunday food is mämmi, a dessert made out of malted rye.
Last jakso
Shortly after Easter my last jakso, last term, in school started. It felt weird to know that I am choosing the subjects for the last time, going to new classes for the last time, introducing myself as the exchange student for the last time. I am really looking forward to German school because I will finally understand everything again and be able to actually work. But at the same time I will miss Finnish school, where everything is pretty relaxed, laptops are part of the normal school day and teachers play music while the students complete the tasks. I wish I could take the best of Finnish school with me and combine it with the best of school in Germany. But that won't be possible so I will just enjoy the last weeks of school here and then try to adapt to the fact that I'm not the exchange student anymore and that I actually have to study.
Vappu
The 1st of May, so called vappu, or the day for worker's and students, is pretty big in Finland. Everyone who already graduated wears the cap they got for their graduation, there are big parties and the common food is munkki, a kind of donuts, and they drink sima, a special lemonade.
In school on Monday we had donuts for dessert and a vappu show, where the teachers played pantomime and won the students in sima pong - the g-rated version of beer pong.
At home we made donuts ourselves and decorated them with all kinds of colors and glitter. Then we prepared dinner and spend the evening with another family playing cards and monopoly. Around eleven my friends picked me up and I stayed with them for awhile. It was really nice to celebrate the 1st of May like that.
Spring time
After a last intense blizzard on Easter Monday and some more days in winter wonderland with sunshine and blue sky the snow finally started to become less instead of more. At some point it was completely gone and as much as I loved it, 5 months have been enough and it is so nice to see green and brown again instead of white, white and white. The ice on the lake, on which we couldn't walk on anymore for weeks already, completely melted and I already dipped in the 4 degree cold water. Now the spring is more rain and grey clouds than sunshine, but we've already had T-shirt weather.
The days get longer and longer. I remeber how excited and surprised everyone was when we opnened the door after my dance class at 19.30 and it was still bright outside - while there was a time it was already dark when I went to my dance class at 17.30 - but now it's still bright when I say good night to my family and already bright when my alarm rings at 6 in the morning. And the summer nights get better everyday with pink and orange sunsets over the lake.
A special visit
Two weeks ago I was standing at the airport - probably the last time before I go there packed with two suitcases and ready (or not) to leave - shaking and jumping up and down because of excitement. My best friend Matilda who is currently on exchange in England and who I hadn't seen for 9 months was about to visit me. It is so weird to think about that a person that has known you for your entire life except that one year where you have built a whole different life will visit you in your new home. But when she came out of the airport arrival doors it was like I hadn't seen her for only a week or two and not almost a year. And it felt so good to introduce her to all these people and show her all the places. When my sister had visited me earlier in my exchange year I still felt a little like a visitor myself. But now I felt like I could show Matilda everything as my home. I could talk about the places, tell stories and find ways without google maps. We had a lovely weekend and it was so wonderful to have her back. Now saying goodbye for two months sounds like nothing. I wish she could have stayed longer but it is good to know that there is a small connection now, between my life in Finland and my life in Germany - someone who has been in my two homes, the two countries that have my heart.
Out of the comfort zone
When you're completely new in an environment, without people you know and things to spend your time with, you will find yourself agreeing on things you wouldn't ever have considered before.
That's why I was part of the school musical in autumn, singing Finnish songs I didn't even understand.
And that's how I ended up in a theater project for young people. Together with 9 other teenagers and one director we performed a theater play about a father-to-be and his struggles.
In Germany I avoided the theater subject in school as good as possible and would have bursted into laughter if anyone would have suggested I should join a play. But now, here, 9 months later, I stood on a stage in the Finnish National Theater and acted a mini-role, talking Finnish in front of an audience. I was actually kinda proud of myself. And it was fun too.
The hardest part
I have at least 3 drafts on my blog writing about what it feels like that this year is coming to an end. I couldn't finish any of them to my satisfaction. There are too many things to say and emotions. But the biggest of all at the moment is the wish to stop time. At least for awhile.
Leaving your life at home sucks, being confused and alone is exhausting and being homesick actually hurts. But for me the hardest part is this. The end. Letting go.
I hope everyone is well and I'm sending lots of love to Germany!
Lona
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