I read this quote and thought it would be a good introduction for my blogpost. Also because I couldn´t really think of a good start myself.
During the last weeks, as the time that I have left slowly begins to become shorter and shorter I again started thinking a lot about what I have learned and how I have changed.
I don´t know if these blogposts are interesting to read, but for me they are so important to write.
To let myself know what I have achieved, to think about what I have learned, to reflect on how I have grown. So I decided to write it all down again and I apologize in advance for the chaos. You should see my mind.
What really came to my realization during the last time, also because of the midstay camp and the Lapland trip, is that it doesn´t matter how long you´ve known someone.
Time is just a measurement and it doesn´t measure the amount you love someone or care for someone. It doesn´t matter who you´ve met first or who you see the most. What matters is if the person makes you feel safe being yourself. What matters is how the person reacts to "just tell me something" or "i need you" and if you can talk to them all day without getting tired of it. You can be as close friends with someone you have known for a couple of months as you can be with someone you have known for years. And you can be closer to someone that you have only met a few times than with someone you have spent half of your life with.
Friendships change, attitudes change, relationships between people change. Sometimes you just slowly stop talking, sometimes there´s an argument, sometimes there wasn´t really a click from the beginning on and you were just too afraid to notice. But this changing isn´t something bad. It´s good. Because in the end, if you always know who to call when things are not going good, if you always know who will be there for you and who you can be there for, you´re doing good.
In general I learned and I am learning everyday how important friendship is. True friendship. How many times my friends kept me sane, when I was having a breakdown is incredible. It touches me so much, that I have people from all over the world and all over the world, that I know are there for me. No matter how far they are.
What I´ve also learned is that sometimes you gét an idea in your head and you hold onto it so tightely that you easily see everything the way you want it to fit into that idea. And then sometimes things have to go really really wrong, you have to start crying in the middle of the day and you have to take all bravery you have and see things from a different point of view. And then you have to admit your own mistakes. Sometimes things have to go really wrong so that you can see the worth of it again, so that you value again, so that you get lose of the ideas you had.
And then, while I am really appreciating the orientations and camps and workshops YFU offers in both home and hostcountry, I learned that no one warns you about the small daily life problems. No one warns you about the little drama you unwillingly get involved, the crushes or how hard it really is to say goodbye to someone you love.
Someone gave me the advice to use every day and don´t spend a whole day inside watching Netflix. I really tried to stick to that and it took me a while to accept that this year doesn´t have to be the time of my life. I don´t have to do somehing exciting all the time and learn something new everyday. And it is totally okay to take a whole day for Netflix in bed - once in a while.
I used to get mad at myself for being sick, for having to stay inside or cancelling plans. I used to hate my body for being weak and forcing me to not do the things I want to do. But I learned that this doesn´t help anything. And it for sure won´t get me out of bed faster.
Being angry about things you cannot change might make you feel better for a short amount of time, but in the end it just exhausts you more and it is easier to learn how to accept things.
And when I look back at everything, even at the days I just came home from school, took a nap, watched a tv show and went to bed - I am having one of the best times of my life. Definitely.
Learning acceptance is an important part of this year and I realize how I don´t feel that out of place anymore. I have mentioned it on my private Instagram once. After we came back from a small vacation it actually felt like coming home. I feel settled, I like my life here. I want it to continue like this forever. Or at least for a long while.
Seeing that it has to end soon breaks my heart.
But then again I miss my family and my friends in Germany so much, I want to go back already tomorrow. There is this thing that´s said about being an exchange student: having at least 5 different emotions at once. Lately I feel like 5 isn´t even enough.
But a thing that I have noticed since I am here is that I am more aware of my feelings. It is easier for me to name them, assess them or order them. Even when I don´t really know what I am feeling I am at least about my unknowledge. While I realized that I got better at figuring out my feelings it still took me a while to realize I also have to talk about those feelings.
I guess it´s part of growing up: learning that talking about your true feelings can be really damn scary but in the end it´s mostly worth it.
Growing up, changing, learning, falling back, accepting, making mistakes, learning more, appreciating. Exchange does a lot to you. It is something unique. You cannot really explain it, if you never experienced it.
But there aren´t many things that feel as good as hearing people you have known for a few months only saying they don´t want you to leave and they will miss you a lot.
I am so grateful for every single day I get to spend here. The fear of leaving and the anticipation of going back grow from day to day. I don´t think I will ever only have one home again. And this is the greatest gift I could ever receive.
Love,
Lona
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